Perfect Parenting

Let me start by saying there is no such thing as perfect parenting.  Period. Full Stop. Instead, I would say that the only type of parenting is imperfect parenting. I think that we can all agree that we do that quite well.   This is not due to a lack of trying. As parents, we are very busy trying to do the right thing for our children.   We buy parenting books, full of expert advice,  to teach us how to parent better.  I have stacks and stacks of these books lining my bookshelves at home; each offering me loads of advice on how to raise my children. I have attempted to read many of them, but I must admit that I have barely scratched the surface.   I usually get through the first few chapters when I am interrupted by my life -- my children asking me for help with a problem, dinner to cook, a carpool to drive, an argument I need to help settle, or the most challenging of all, my very heavy eyelids refusing to remain open after a busy day. In my long search for answers, I have come across some deeply meaningful ideas that translate into what I consider the keys to parenting. Three qualities of awareness that help me to be less bound to the pages of my parenting books (that I never seem to finish), and free to raise my children from a place of authenticity.  These help me to understand my own values, to do what feels right and to connect to my children in a deep and meaningful way. They are:

(1) Presence. I try very hard to take time to be fully present with my children. I am far from perfect at this, but I am trying.  For example, I have caught myself having breakfast with my precious 9 year-old, unable to recount what I imagine was probably a beautiful story she just told, because I was distracted or too busy in my own head to listen to her.   I have to remind myself to turn off my phone, power down my laptop, clear my thoughts, judgments and analysis, and simply be there, like a sponge, for my child.  It is important to remember that this is not a matter of quantity of time; it is a matter of quality of time. It is about picking your moments and not being afraid to say, “I can’t listen right now, let me finish what I am doing and then I am all yours.” And then doing it. To have a few minutes a day of true listening, paying full attention, is such a gift to you and to your child. No special toys need to be purchased; no elaborate trips need to be taken, just being fully present with your child allows your child to feel felt and to be heard, and gives you the opportunity to connect in a deep and meaningful way.

(2) Understanding. It may seem easy to be present, but to be present with an open mind and an open heart is a much greater challenge. It is acting more like a sponge than a bumper, absorbing and taking in what your child is doing, saying, feeling and thinking, rather than diverting or invalidating their thoughts and feelings. For example, when a child says, “You never listen to me.” It is refraining from saying, “Yes I do. I always listen to you.” And, instead, understanding that your child doesn’t feel listened to. It means seeing things from your child’s point of view, putting yourself in your child’s shoes. In doing this, you not only validate their feelings and experiences, but you can also better understand what your child needs from you and how you can best serve your child.

(3) Acceptance.   Our willingness to recognize and accept our children’s thoughts and feelings enables us to see our children for who they really are, and not who we want them to be. It also allows us as parents to see ourselves the way we really are and not the way we wish to be.   This acceptance fosters self-confidence, safety and comfort in children and in parents. It releases us from the cycle of disappointment after failing to meet unrealistic expectations, and allows us the freedom to embrace what is, who we are and who our children are, and all the possibilities that come from that very real place.

The challenges of parenting are constantly changing. We have to be able to be present for the laughter and joy, and face the fear and uncertainty as they come. The best we can do is parent from a place of love and not fear, and acknowledge that we are doing the best that we can.

Weekly Wisdom #42

“If you surrender completely to the moments as they pass, you live more richly those moments.” — Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Mindful Living - Introduction to Mindfulness and Meditation Private Group Session

Want to find some inner peace in this very hectic world? Join us on a journey to finding real happiness as we explore meditation and mindfulness, and learn how to incorporate them into our everyday lives. Mindfulness can help you lower your levels of stress, stay focused and calm, and live your life with a greater sense of ease and happiness.

This course is an introduction to the fundamentals of mindfulness and meditation, and will help you gain a deeper understanding of these practices.

Join me for this private group session for contemplation, meditation and action-based exercises. This is a five week class. We will meet for one hour each week.

Morning Class Dates & Time: 1/14, 1/21, 1/28,  2/4 and 2/11 from 8:00 pm to 9:00 pm.

Investment: $195

Location:  Larchmont, New York.

To Register for Your Private Group Session  click here.

About the Instructor . . .

Cheryl Brause is the Co-Founder of 2bpresent. She has practiced meditation and mindfulness for many years, and has worked in the field of teaching mindfulness meditation for the past four years to adults, teens and children. Cheryl has studied meditation and mindfulness under with many leaders in the field. She has completed her Level I and Level II Meditation Teacher Training from Om Yoga.  She is trained in Learning to BREATHE – a mindfulness curriculum for adolescents, and completed her K-12 Mindful Schools Curriculum Training. She has trained in Search Inside Yourself Leadership Training and teaches Mindfulness at Work to corporations, organizations and business leaders.  Cheryl teaches mindfulness and meditation privately to children, teens and adults.  She has also created and taught programs in our community to train teachers and students in stress reduction techniques and mindfulness tools to help them thrive.

What people are saying about 2bpresent classes and workshops. . .

“Every now and then you come across a class or a person who helps you to be a better person. Cheryl offers just that. I am a better person because of all the things that I have learned- I am a better spouse, a better mother, a better friend, a better co-worker, and actually even more compassionate with myself. And what’s the best part? That I got all this by simply learning how to slow down and calm down. I will be forever grateful!

Taking the beginning meditation class is the single most important thing I have done for myself in the last decade. I can honestly say that my family and I are all happier because of my taking this one step to learn how to be calmer and more mindful.” – Psychologist, mother and participant in Real Happiness and Mindful Living

“Cheryl’s class taught me not only how to meditate, but how to incorporate mindfulness into everything that I do. Cheryl is extremely knowledgable about the practice of mindfulness and has a teaching style that is very easy to understand and accessible. It was a truly life changing experience. I can’t wait for my next class!” – MBA, mother, participant in Mindful Living

“I took Cheryl’s mindfulness class last spring and the effects have stayed with me. The tools and techniques she showed the class were fun and easy to use and the discussion really brought everything down to a real level that can be applied. Cheryl has a unique way of speaking about mindfulness that is very insightful and practical. I thoroughly enjoyed the class and would highly recommend it!” - Organizational Development Consultant, mother, participant in Mindful Living

In Pursuit of Silence

Have you ever noticed how noisy life can be?  Movie theaters play films so loudly it produces heart pounding reactions, literally.  We walk outside with headphones playing music or conversation in our ears,  our car radios create a constant hum of background noise for each drive, and our televisions, computers, text messages and phones beep and chime creating piercing reminders of all that we have to do.   Even when we manage to escape to a quiet place, the noise inside our head -- spinning thoughts, to do lists, nagging fears, and a vast array of emotions -- is often just as loud as the noise in the world around us.  We try to quiet that noise, but it is challenging.   Instead, we distract ourselves with other sounds in attempt to find some peace and "quiet." Silence can be magical.  Learning to sit in silence can open the door to creativity, wonder and a deep sense of peace.  Sitting in silence allows us to  connect to our inner wisdom, strength and resilience.   Once we recognize and access these incredible resources, we can call upon them when needed.   Welcoming in silence, is the real challenge in our very noisy world.

We recently learned of director Patrick Shen, an award winning documentary film maker, and his new film,  IN PURSUIT OF SILENCE.  In this new documentary, Patrick is exploring our relationship with sound and the implications of living in a noisy world.  I recently had the opportunity to speak with the associate producer of the film about the extraordinary exploration of silence in this fascinating new film.   2bpresent is excited to be partnering with the creative team to contribute to the completion of this important film.    You can view the trailer below and support the film and their kick start campaign at http://support.pursuitofsilence.com.

(For more information on this film, here is the link to the Huffington Post article: http://huff.to/1tgDMKP)

Weekly Wisdom #41

“Speak only if it improves upon the silence.” - Mahatma Gandhi

Mindfulness in School

Bring Mindfulness to Your School or Organization!

2bpresent Programs:

• Foster mental health and wellness through developmentally appropriate, science-based mindfulness instruction
• Enhance capacity for emotional regulation
• Strengthen attention and support academic performance
• Expand the repertoire of skills for stress management
• Help integrate mindfulness into everyday life

"Our personalities, thought patterns and emotional responses are wired into our brains, but you can change your brain and rewire the neural pathways to help you think more positively, become more self-aware, focus better, understand social cues, ease your emotional triggers and grow more resilient."  -  Richard Davidson, Ph.D., author of The Emotional Life of Your Brain

2bpresent's Mindfulness programs give students, teachers and parents tools to lower stress, improve focus and attention and increase overall wellbeing so that they can thrive!

2bpresent helps children develop their ability to reduce stress, improve their focus and concentration and manage their emotions.

2bpresent helps parents and caregivers face the challenges of raising children in a fast-paced, modern word. Parenting with greater mindfulness allows parents to better understand their own stress reactions, increase their sense of calm and stability, and foster a greater connection between parent and child.

2bpresent helps teachers reconnect to their passion for teaching.  We offer a science-based mindfulness and emotional intelligence training for teachers that will help them to experience greater connection, communication, engagement, effectiveness and joy in their classrooms.   This training is designed to not only help teachers in their work, but it is also designed to help teachers increase their overall sense of personal wellbeing.

 Our Programs:

 2bpresent in the Classroom

Instructors run in-class workshops in which students & teachers learn mindfulness tools to integrate into their classroom, which enhance their ability to focus & relax.

After School Workshops for Teens and Adults

These workshops give participants the understanding of how and why mindfulness tools work to help lower stress, improve academic performance and increase emotional regulation, and the opportunity to experience first hand how to incorporate these practices into their daily lives.

Teacher Training

Explore mindfulness tools that can be used in the classroom to create an atmosphere of calm and relaxation in which students are open and ready to learn.  This science-based mindfulness and emotional intelligence training for teachers helps teachers experience greater connection, communication, engagement, effectiveness and joy in their classrooms.   This training is designed to not only help teachers in their work, but it is also designed to help teachers increase their overall sense of personal wellbeing so that they can thrive.

Parent Workshops

Bring calm, clarity, wisdom and joy into parenting by using using mindfulness tools and strategies to help you slow down, think and make decisions that will help both parent and child live with greater ease and happiness.

For more information on these programs and how we can work in your school, please contact us at info@2bpresent.com.

Important Life Lessons from an Almost Centenarian

My family is spread out geographically. My brother, sister, parents and I live in four different states making our time together much less frequent than we would like. Yet, four generations, from ages 9 to 99, had the opportunity to spend a very special 48 hours together this weekend. I feel incredibly blessed to have had this time together. The most touching part of the weekend for me was watching my 99 year old grandmother sit in a circle with all nine of her great grandchildren and share her life stories.  As we listened to her weave her tales, we marveled at what she has lived through in her lifetime, from the Great Depression and two World Wars, to the use of the first cars, airplanes, televisions, computers, cell phones and the internet. It is difficult for my children to comprehend the world she grew up in, and wonderful to watch their faces as they hear her first-hand accounts of how the world has changed, and how it has stayed the same, over the past 100 years.

We also had the privilege of watching my grandmother in action, glimpsing secrets to her fountain of youth. I have often wondered how she does it. At 99 years old, she has more energy and stamina than most of us half her age.

Grandma, this is what I came up with . . . the most important lessons you have taught me that can help me live a long, happy and meaningful life.

#1 – Don’t Eat Wheat – Her first response to my question on what her secret is to living a long life was rather unexpected. My grandmother has had a severe wheat allergy for most of her life, so she was probably one of the pioneers of gluten free eating.  Not the philosophical answer I was looking for, but maybe there is something to it ????

#2 - Wake Up Each Morning and Be Thankful You are Alive - My grandmother has a remarkable appreciation for her good fortune. Instead of complaining about her shoulder pain, her loss of hearing and her weakening vision, she refuses to dwell on what she lacks and instead focuses on what she has. She told me that she wakes up each morning and thanks God each day that she is still alive. Over her lifetime, she has suffered some terrible losses including the early loss of her husband and later her son. Yet, she has always amazed me with her strength and courage in the face of her difficulties and continues to live with optimism and with great appreciation for all that she has.

#3 – Never Give Up - She admits that some days it is hard to get out of bed, but she gets up anyway. As long as she still is able, she will persevere. For her, the trials of growing old are simply more challenges to face and conquer each day.  She told us to never give up, always keep trying, that is the only way to succeed.

#4 - Serve Others – Twice a week, every week, my grandmother volunteers at a senior center where she serves meals to people who are homebound and in need of food and camaraderie. You should know that most of the seniors she is serving are considerably younger than her. It is quite clear by the great joy on her face as she describes this work that she gets as much or more than she gives from her service to those in need.

#5 - Always Be Kind – I have never met anyone with more admirers than my grandmother. From the man who parks cars in her building, to the wait staff at her favorite restaurant, to the custodian at her temple, everyone tells me how much they love my grandmother. The reason is quite clear, no matter who you are, she shows you kindness and respect. She thanks you for what you do and is always so grateful to each and everyone who touches her life in any way.  From thanking me every time I call her, to the huge smile and warm hugs she gives everyone she meets, she never misses an opportunity to let us know that we are loved and appreciated. Her incredibly kind treatment of others comes back to her ten fold.

#6 - Surround Yourself with People You Love and Who Love You – My grandmother is fortunate to be surrounded by an incredible group of friends, all widowed, all with amazing life stories of their own, and all there to offer each other friendship and support. She and her friends discuss politics and world events, share the accomplishments of their families and always schedule a competitive game of Rumikub or Gin Rummy (and they are tough competitors).   They visit each other when someone is sick, check on each other when someone is absent and always include each other in their daily lives.   It is an amazing sisterhood of support and love that keeps us assured that she is in very good hands when we cannot be nearby.

#7 - Always Keep Moving - We use to beg my grandmother to slow down, rest and do less.   But a few years ago, we realized that her very active life was her way of staying young – her fountain of youth. She simply refuses to “act her age.”   She lives in what I would characterize as camp (although a very sophisticated one). Her weekly activities include pool aerobics, yoga classes, competitive Wii bowling, memoir writing classes, movie nights and the all-important weekly trips to the dollar store (from which we are the proud recipients of care packages). In addition to all of those activities, there is rarely a concert she will miss, a social invitation she turns down or a party she does not attend (especially one that requires her to dress up in costume). It is exhausting for us to imagine her schedule, but she would not have it any other way.

If you are reading this Grandma, how did I do?  Please send your edits my way.  And, keep on planning that big 100^th birthday celebration (we will be there), take it easy on your competitors in Wii bowling and keep doing your yoga!  We will be back soon to visit and if you don’t have time to call me back, it’s OK – I know you are busy!

Most importantly,  know how much we love you and how important you are in all of our lives.

Weekly Wisdom #40

“Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.” - Confucius

Not Everyone Will Like You

Wonderful thoughts from the  the Daily Om . . .

Not Everyone Will Like You.

It is not necessarily a pleasant experience, but there will be times in our lives when we come across people who do not like us. As we know, like attracts like, so usually when they don’t like us it is because they are not like us. Rather than taking it personally, we can let them be who they are, accepting that each of us is allowed to have different perspectives and opinions. When we give others that freedom, we claim it for ourselves as well, releasing ourselves from the need for their approval so we can devote our energy toward more rewarding pursuits.

While approval from others is a nice feeling, when we come to depend on it we may lose our way on our own path. There are those who will not like us no matter what we do, but that doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with us. Each of us has our own filters built from our experiences over time. They may see in us something that is merely a projection of their understanding, but we have no control over the interpretations of others. The best we can do is to hope that the role we play in the script of their lives is helpful to them, and follow our own inner guidance with integrity.

As we reap the benefits of walking our perfect paths, we grow to appreciate the feeling of fully being ourselves. The need to have everyone like us will be replaced by the exhilaration of discovering that we are attracting like-minded individuals into our lives—people who like us because they understand and appreciate the truth of who we are. We free ourselves from trying to twist into shapes that will fit the spaces provided by others’ limited understanding and gain a new sense of freedom, allowing us to expand into becoming exactly who we’re meant to be. And in doing what we know to be right for us, we show others that they can do it too. Cocreating our lives with the universe and its energy of pure potential, we transcend limitations and empower ourselves to shine our unique light, fully and freely.

Go to The Daily Om for more great thoughts.

Weekly Wisdom #39

"Forever is composed of nows."  - Emily Dickinson

Winter 2015 - Morning Meditation & Mindfulness Group

Come in from the cold, and sit for a while . . . 

There are many mindfulness tools and awareness practices we can use everyday to help us lower our levels of stress, stay focused and calm, and live with a greater sense of ease and happiness.   Join us on Wednesday mornings to learn and to practice tools to unwind, to stay calm and focused, and to increase our inner peace and happiness.  It's a great start to the day and a wonderful mid-week opportunity to stay centered during your busy week.

This course is designed for those with some meditation experience who are looking to gain a deeper understanding of mindfulness practices and philosophies, as well as those looking to meet with a group to practice together each week. The class will consist of a 15-20 minute discussion each week, followed by 20-25 minute guided meditation.

Class Dates & Times: This class will meet on  Wednesday mornings from January 14th through February 4th from 9:00 am to 9:45 am.

You can register for the 4 Classes below.

Location: Groove, 108 Chatsworth Avenue, Larchmont, New York.

To Register, click here.

About the Instructor:

Cheryl Brause is the Co-Founder of 2bpresent. She has practiced meditation and mindfulness for many years, and has worked in the field of teaching mindfulness meditation for the past four years to adults, teens and children. Cheryl has studied meditation and mindfulness under with many leaders in the field. She has completed her Level I and II Meditation Teacher Training from Om Yoga. She is trained in Learning to BREATHE - a mindfulness curriculum for adolescents, and completed her K-12 Mindful Schools Curriculum Training. Cheryl teaches mindfulness and meditation privately to children, teens and adults. She has also created and taught programs in our community to train teachers and students in stress reduction techniques and mindfulness tools to help them thrive.

What people are saying about 2bpresent workshops and classes:

"Every now and then you come across a class or a person who helps you to be a better person. Cheryl offers just that. I am a better person because of all the things that I have learned- I am a better spouse, a better mother, a better friend, a better co-worker, and actually even more compassionate with myself. And what’s the best part? That I got all this by simply learning how to slow down and calm down. I will be forever grateful!

Taking the beginning meditation class is the single most important thing I have done for myself in the last decade. I can honestly say that my family and I are all happier because of my taking this one step to learn how to be calmer and more mindful." - Psychologist, mother and participant in Real Happiness and Mindful Living

"Cheryl's class taught me not only how to meditate, but how to incorporate mindfulness into everything that I do. Cheryl is extremely knowledgable about the practice of mindfulness and has a teaching style that is very easy to understand and accessible. It was a truly life changing experience. I can't wait for my next class!" - MBA, mother, participant in Mindful Living

"I took Cheryl’s mindfulness class last spring and the effects have stayed with me. The tools and techniques she showed the class were fun and easy to use and the discussion really brought everything down to a real level that can be applied. Cheryl has a unique way of speaking about mindfulness that is very insightful and practical. I thoroughly enjoyed the class and would highly recommend it!" - Organizational Development Consultant, mother, participant in Mindful Living

Weekly Wisdom #38

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that.  Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." - Martin Luther King, Jr. 

New Fall Evening Mindfulness Class: Finding Real Happiness

What if you could be more peaceful with yourself, those around you and your world? Join us on a journey to finding real happiness as we explore meditation and mindfulness, and learn how to incorporate them into our everyday lives. Mindfulness can help you lower your levels of stress, stay focused and calm, and live your life with a greater sense of ease and happiness.

This course is an introduction to the fundamentals of mindfulness and meditation, and will help you gain a deeper understanding of these practices.

Join us for contemplation, meditation and action-based exercises. This is a five week class. We will meet for one hour each week.

Evening Class Dates & Time: 10/8, 10/15, 10/22, 10/29 and 11/5 from 7 pm to 8 pm.

Investment: $195

Location: Groove, 108 Chatsworth Avenue, Larchmont, New York.

THIS CLASS IS NO LONGER ACCEPTING REGISTRATIONS

About the Instructor . . .

Cheryl Brause is the Co-Founder of 2bpresent. She has practiced meditation and mindfulness for many years, and has worked in the field of teaching mindfulness meditation for the past four years to adults, teens and children. Cheryl has studied meditation and mindfulness under with many leaders in the field. She has completed her Level I and II Meditation Teacher Training from Om Yoga. She is trained in Learning to BREATHE - a mindfulness curriculum for adolescents, and completed her K-12 Mindful Schools Curriculum Training. Cheryl teaches mindfulness and meditation privately to children, teens and adults. She has also created and taught programs in our community to train teachers and students in stress reduction techniques and mindfulness tools to help them thrive.

What people are saying about 2bpresent classes and workshops. . .

"Every now and then you come across a class or a person who helps you to be a better person. Cheryl offers just that. I am a better person because of all the things that I have learned- I am a better spouse, a better mother, a better friend, a better co-worker, and actually even more compassionate with myself. And what’s the best part? That I got all this by simply learning how to slow down and calm down. I will be forever grateful!

Taking the beginning meditation class is the single most important thing I have done for myself in the last decade. I can honestly say that my family and I are all happier because of my taking this one step to learn how to be calmer and more mindful." - Psychologist, mother and participant in Real Happiness and Mindful Living

"Cheryl's class taught me not only how to meditate, but how to incorporate mindfulness into everything that I do. Cheryl is extremely knowledgable about the practice of mindfulness and has a teaching style that is very easy to understand and accessible. It was a truly life changing experience. I can't wait for my next class!" - MBA, mother, participant in Mindful Living

"I took Cheryl’s mindfulness class last spring and the effects have stayed with me. The tools and techniques she showed the class were fun and easy to use and the discussion really brought everything down to a real level that can be applied. Cheryl has a unique way of speaking about mindfulness that is very insightful and practical. I thoroughly enjoyed the class and would highly recommend it!" - Organizational Development Consultant, mother, participant in Mindful Living

Fish Falling from the Sky and other Back to School Tales

Ahh, the joys of heading back to school!  It's a time for new beginnings, reuniting with old friends and new adventures in learning and personal growth.

Sound familiar?

How about a dose of reality? Back to school is back to stress for many parents and children.  It is an abrupt end to the stress-free, schedule-free, carpool-free, long summer days and a harsh entry into new situations, busy schedules, carpools, homework, and rising levels of anxiety.

This fall, my family added one more challenge to our already hectic start to the school year - we adopted a new puppy.  I knew that this would be a big addition to my already full load.   So, in anticipation of adding one more living being to care for,  I decided to put my best foot forward and embrace the “present momentness” of being a new dog owner.   As I was dealing with all of the back to school chaos,  I also found myself rushing home throughout the day to walk the dog, clean up his occasional "messes" around the house, and make sure he too was fed and cared for.   I admit that I felt "my cup runneth over," and not in such a good way.  Then, this happened . . .

I was outside in my backyard with the puppy in between drop offs and pick ups, phone calls and work meetings, feeling rushed and harried, when all of a sudden I heard a loud thump right behind me.  I thought I had nearly missed being hit in the head by a branch falling from high above as I ducked down to avoid injury.  When I uncovered my head and turned around, I realized it was not a branch at all, I was shocked to see a very large and very alive ten-inch fish that had literally fallen from the sky just a few inches from where I was standing.  It was alive, bloody and still flopping.  I immediately thought of the ten plagues and I asked myself,  "What's next  - - frogs or locusts raining down on me?"    Once I wrestled my brain away from biblical gloom and doom, I thought perhaps someone was playing a sick joke on me.   I then thought, how lucky I was that the fish did not fall directly on my head.  If it had hit me, I would surely not be writing this right now and would instead be lying on a couch in a psychiatrist's office.

Not knowing what to do next, I noticed our little pup licking his chops and running towards the squirming fish.  I quickly grabbed him and took him inside the house, a near miss of yet another messy and disgusting clean up.   I then took a deep breath and tried to figure out how to get rid of this unwanted addition to my backyard, still in disbelief that I was nearly assaulted by a fish.   I realized that I was now very late to meet a friend for a lunch date - - - at a SUSHi restaurant. Gazing at this little fish making his last few efforts to stay alive, I felt paralyzed, not knowing what to do next.  As much as I would have loved to heroically saved its life, I was feeling overwhelmed, disgusted and still in a bit of shock.  So, I called my friend, apologized for running late, and told her that I could not possibly eat sushi for lunch.    Upset and bewildered, I left the fish to the wildlife in my backyard, hoping never to cross its path again.

I came home several hours later and quickly returned to my backyard to see how this story would unfold, hoping that no evidence would remain of this bizarre incident.  But, OH NO,  no such luck.  It was still there, now dead and covered with bees.  My nine year old was a real trooper and agreed to help me get rid of the fish and send it back into the sea (actually into a tiny river in my backyard) for a proper burial.  I asked her to go inside to get my phone to document the event while I armed myself with gloves and a giant snow shovel.  As most 9 year olds with good intentions do, she was eager to help but forget to close the door when she went inside.  With the door wide open, my little puppy came running outside and, before we knew what had happened, he had the ten-inch fish hanging out of his mouth.  With gloves, an iPhone and a shovel in hand, we ran furiously after him trying to catch him and remove the dead fish from his mouth.   For some reason we were also screaming at the top of our lungs.    We must have looked ridiculous!  In fact, the dog was so shocked by our behavior that he dropped the fish and simply ran from us.  We quickly grabbed him and returned him to the house and finally we could scoop the fish up and return him to the sea.

This bizarre incident was an undeniable reminder that sometimes in the midst of the chaos and stress of life, we have a choice of whether to laugh or to cry, to become overwhelmed or to recognize that "this too shall pass."    Sometimes the utter ridiculousness of our circumstances can be overwhelming, even paralyzing.  Instead of falling into a deep abyss of panic or anxiety, it is helpful to simply take a step back, let go of the notion that we actually have control of the situation and just laugh.  This was my reminder during this hectic time of year to laugh, take a deep breath and to watch out for fish falling from the sky.

Mindful Tools for Everyday Living - Getting Unstuck

(1) Notice when you get “hooked” - Shenpa

• Begin to clearly notice the hook  - may feel like a tightening, tension or heat
• Shenpa is human nature, not problematic in and of itself
• We get carried away in the momentum of the hook, caught in a habitual pattern
• It's like the “itch” of a mosquito bite and then we feel the need to scratch it
• Shenpa is the tiny spark, our reaction is the kerosene that can take the spark into a full blown forest fire
• The Kerosene is our thoughts, talking to ourselves and fueling the fire.  We will justify our pattern of behavior by thinking we have the "right to react"  and we talk ourselves into our reaction, justify it,  but this sets off a chain reaction which results in unhappiness and unease.  This reaction is often motivated by our desire to escape this uneasiness and underlying discomfort (blame someone else for example) -- this is the desire to scratch the itch.

(2) Learn to “Choose a fresh alternative” - Relax, Open Up and Be with it

• Do something different
• We often act in a way that only strengthens our unhealthy habits of resentment, anger, blame, etc.
• This habitual response only entrenches us in our patterns of behavior
• Try to NOTICE the feeling of being hooked and then PAUSE and simply sit with that feeling
• Remember that these feelings are fluid, impermanent, temporary
• If we don’t feed the spark, it will go away.  If we get into a habit of not feeding it, it will stop hooking us.

(3) Make this a life long journey to experience freedom, joy and happiness

• Make this a way of life
• Two Habitual Responses to the Hook:   (1) Repressing or denying it OR (2) Acting Out as we move into the storyline, which makes our experience very solid
• Choose a fresh alternative and learn to let go of the story
• We need to do this with Lovingkindeness to ourselves – don't beat yourself up for feeling  a certain way or for getting "hooked" as this will add shenpa on top of shenpa, be kind and forgiving of yourself without adding additional negativity towards yourself.
• Positive Groundlessness - simply experiencing the rawness of what is may result in feeling a sense of groundlessness.  We feel we need something to ground us which may be our anger, for example, but this groundlessness can be positive.  In this space of positive groundlessness, we see that there is no need to hold onto to bias, preference, hatred, anger.  This is a scary place as there is a sense of no ground beneath our feet, no fixed point of reference or view to hang on to.  But this groundlessness is also filled with positive qualities such as vastness, openness, freedom, limitless potential and nothing to hold us back from joy and happiness.
• Mindful Awareness Practice  helps us sit with the "hook" and learn to be with this feeling.  It also helps us to PAUSE when we are hooked, recognize the feeling and that it is only temporary (learn to sit with the itch), and choose a fresh alternative, a path that helps us move through life with greater ease and happiness.

Weekly Wisdom #37

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." - Maya Angelou

Mindful Tools for Everyday Life- Week Four Handout

Week Four:  Finding Real Happiness – An Exploration of What Really Makes Us Happy and How to Get More of It. Positive Psychology is the scientific study of optimal human functioning.  Historically, the field of psychology looks at treating mental illness or dysfunction.  Positive psychology, however, looks to understand the positive, adaptive, creative and emotionally fulfilling aspects of human behavior.

Flow, as defined by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, is the state of optimal attention and immersion during an activity.  Finding one's flow leads to greater happiness and sense of wellbeing.

How do you know if you are in your flow?

1. You lose awareness of time (“lose yourself in something”)
2. You aren’t thinking about yourself (self-consciousness disappears)
3. You aren’t interrupted by extraneous thoughts
4. You have clear goals but aren’t focused on the finish line, the activity itself is the reward
5. You are active, not passive (not watching TV)
6. You work effortlessly, the activity is not easy but everything is clicking and seems effortless
7. Balance between challenge and skill
8. No worry of failure
9. You want to repeat the experience

Happiness must combine both pleasure and meaning, providing both present and future gain.

The Hamburger Analogy (Tal Ben-Shahar)

(1) Bacon Double Cheeseburger - Hedonistic Pleasure -  unhealthy but tasty hamburger, will bring immediate short-term pleasure but have the opposite effect on our long-term feeling of wellbeing.

(2) Tasteless Veggie Burger (the ones that taste like cardboard) - Doing everything for the long term goal, but with no short term enjoyment - might bring us negative emotions while we’re eating it but brings us long-term benefits.

(3) Eating a Healthy by Tasty Burger - finding out what things in life can bring both immediate and long-term happiness; that is, a meal that is both tasty and healthy.

Finding our Happiness:

(1) We must deal with the Past-  exercise gratitude and forgiveness. Once we must become aware of what at we are feeling, we can better understand what is causing us anger, resentment, etc.  By becoming aware of it, we can lessen its grip on it, accept it as it is and learn to let it go. We cannot let it go until we become aware of it and accept it.

(2) Happiness in the Present – breaking habituation, savoring experiences and using mindfulness as ways to increase happiness in the present

(3) Finding Meaning and Purpose -  While the pleasant life might bring more positive emotions to one’s life, to foster a deeper more enduring happiness, we need to explore the realm of meaning. Without the application of one’s unique strengths and the development of one’s virtues towards an end bigger than one’s self, one’s potential tends to be whittled away by a mundane, inauthentic, empty pursuit of pleasure. (Martin Seligman)

More reading: NYTimes articles

- Advice from Life’s Graying Edges on Finishing with NO Regrets

- The Joy of Quiet

Mindfulness Tools for Finding Happiness

(1) Be Present – Practice Being, rather than Doing.  How? Connect the mind to the body with Mindfulness exercises.

- example of how we habitually "do" and remain disconnected to our present moment experience . . .

- text or talk on cell phones while we walk

But we can change that behavior by fully immersing ourselves in our present experience, being fully present with the sensations and the experience itself

- Washing dishes example

“Wherever you are, be there totally. If you find your here and now intolerable and it makes you unhappy, you have three options: remove yourself from the situation, change it, or accept it totally.” – Eckhart Tolle

-       Return to our birthright of happiness, as young children do, we can find great pleasure and joy in each moment

-       Focus our attention away from thinking and direct it into the body, where being can be felt.

(2) Still your Mind - Suffering Comes from our Thoughts - Do Not Identify with your Story, it is not You

- Still your mind by connecting to the experience itself, not your thoughts

- Recognize your story, what story am I telling myself about my situation, experience, etc.?

- Cease creating a story

(3) Gratitude Practice –

- Focus on the Beauty that Surrounds You

- Think about what you did right each day

- Recognize all that you have to be grateful for

(4) Lovingkindness Practice - Look at yourself and others with kindness and compassion instead of reflexive criticism.

Metta Mediation Practice: (said to yourself, to others you love, to a neutral or difficult person and to all beings).

May I (You) be safe.  

May I (You) be happy.  

May I (You) be healthy.    

May I (You) live my (your) life with ease.   

These take practice, but if we consciously integrate these tools into our lives, they can have profound effects on our happiness and sense of wellbeing.

Mindful Tools for Everyday Life - Week Three Handout

Worry, Guilt, Stress – Are they working for you?

Learning to Identify what is working for you and eliminate those mental habits that are not creating positive change.

Introduction:

What occupies your mental energy? If you had to label those thoughts, what would it be . . . judging, planning, worrying, stressing . . . Underneath all of these habits is FEAR.   We are afraid of not being good enough, not being prepared, not being loved, not being successful, not being perfect, not doing it right, etc.

Habits of the Mind –

• Stress vs. Stressors –

“[I]t is not the potential stressor itself but how you perceive it and then how you handle it that will determine whether or not it will lead to stress.” (Dr. Seligman)

 How you see things and how you handle them, makes all the difference in the world.

• If we feed these habits, they are like seeds and will continue to grow.

• Our thoughts begin to have tremendous power over us.

• Mindfulness is being aware of our thoughts. We must be aware of those thoughts, and then simply look at them for what they are.

• These mental habits can create havoc on our bodies.

• Stress is designed to help us get out of physical danger. We sense danger and this sets off the Amygdala, which triggers fear. People who suffer from anxiety have more reactive amygdala, leaving them feeling threatened more the time.

• We must ask ourselves, “It there a real and present danger?” Most likely there is not and we must be aware of that there is no real danger to necessitate this fear response.

How to deal with our Mental Habits –

1)  Become aware of what we are thinking and feeling.

2)  Ask – What purpose is this serving?

3)  Worries serve no purpose and are unproductive (or counterproductive). Simply recognizing them as such. “Oh there’s that thought again, it’s just a thought.”

4)  Recognize that certain things are simply out of our control.   There is nothing we can do about it. Learn to tolerate powerlessness.   This may feel bad, but we can learn to accept it or tolerate it.

5)  What are we missing out on why we are worrying??

If we don’t foster those thoughts, they will not grow and those mental habits will lose their power and will eventually stop hooking us.

Maladaptive ways to deal with stress –

• Overworking
• Overeating
• Denial
• Drugs (prescription and non-perscription)
• Alcohol
• Smoking

Another option – Mindfulness Tools For Everyday Life

Building up your resources or your ability to deal with stress. Stop Reacting to Stressors and Start Responding – Choose a different Path.

(1) Breathe – When we notice a trigger or a thought, we can take a few long deep, belly breaths and create a space/pause before we respond, allowing us the opportunity to choose a different path.

• brings our awareness to the present moment
• helps us to find our calm center
• brings our attention to our physical bodies
• anchors us to a place of calm and stability
• cuts off the stress response

(2) Present Moment Awareness – Remind ourselves that we are right here (almost never where the problem is). We can do this through being mindful of our breath, physical sensations, sounds, etc.

Thich Nhat Hahn, offers this short meditation in his book Being Peace: “Breathing in, I calm my body. Breathing out, I smile. Dwelling in the present moment, I know this is a wonderful moment.”

(3) Thought labeling – if we can change what we see, we can change how we respond. Perception is key. So labeling what we are thinking helps us better understand our thoughts and recognize them. Awareness takes away their power and creates a space or pause.

(4) Self talk - Is this helping me? Differentiate realistic concerns from Worry. Is it happening now? There are things we can say to ourselves when we are getting hooked, that can be very helpful.

How is this serving me?

Thought is just a thought.

I am doing the best I can.

It is out of my control.

Tie up your donkey.

Meditation Practice - Meditating On Your Difficulties

You can meditate on your stressors - difficult people, difficult situations, and physical pain.

Meditating on Panic Attacks example . . . Mingyur Rinpoche's Story

Ways that don't work:

(1)  Your Panic (stressor) becomes your boss, telling you what to do and what to think. It becomes familiar to you. It becomes part of you, who you are. In some way, you like it because you know it.

(2) You hate your panic (stressor) and live in fear of it. You have a strong aversion to your panic and it becomes your enemy.

BUT (1) and (2) cause your Panic (stressor) to become stronger, your mind becomes more sensitive to panic, and more easily triggered.  It is adding fuel to the spark.

The alternative is to  make friends with your panic (stressor).

How?  Through mindfulness meditation training.  Sit with your difficulty, inviting it in.  Learn to sit with the unpleasant feeling.  Make it the object of your meditation.  This helps you to see it more clearly for what it is, and no longer allows it to control you.  You can see it as something that is not part of you, not who you are, but rather a feeling that will pass, no longer bolstered by some story and thoughts that only serve to fuel the flames.  You can also sit with it with an open heart and with compassion.  This takes away its power.  This will help you to better understand how you can work with it rather than fight against it.

All problems, difficulties or challenges (including challenging people) can become your friends, your teachers.

Sylvia Boorstein – Clinging is Suffering – Buddhist teaching that pain is inevitable, suffering is options.

“…[We often] suffer with whatever our life experience is rather than accepting and opening to our experience with wise and compassionate response. . . From this point of view, there is a big difference between pain and suffering. Pain is inevitable; lives come with pain. Suffering is not inevitable. If suffering is what happens when we struggle [against] our experience because of our inability to accept it, then suffering is optional.”

Weekly Wisdom #36

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”  - Elizabeth Stone  

We Don't Have Time for That!

Recently, as I was driving my youngest daughter to her tennis lesson, I was alarmed to hear a deep, raspy cough come from her little body.   I told her that we needed go to the doctor to get her throat checked.   Much to my surprise, she responded, "Mom, we don't have time for that."    It was one of those parenting moments that stopped me in my tracks,  realizing that the message that I want to teach my children was not coming through loud and clear, but rather being muddled and muddied by my actions, and our busy schedules. The number one stressor of adults and teens today is time -- having too much to do and not enough time to do it all.  Children and teens, and not just the adults who care for them, are feeling the stress of overloaded schedules, and the pressure to do so much and to do it all well.   Many of my favorite childhood memories are of long, lazy weekends, or afternoons filled with what seemed like endless hours of unstructured, unscheduled playtime.   Yet,  I often wonder what memories my own children will have of their childhood?  Will they remember long, lazy days full of fun and imaginative play or will they remember rushing from one activity to the next?

We are blessed to have so many wonderful opportunities for ourselves and for our children, but the stress and anxiety from being over-scheduled may virtually eliminate the benefits gained from those activities.  As Henry David Thoreau put it, “It’s not enough to be busy, so are the ants. The question is, what are we busy about?”   Perhaps it is a return to the simple things that we enjoyed as children that would have a greater impact on our children's creativity, self esteem and happiness.    They grow up too quickly as it is.  Perhaps helping them to slow down is the best gift we can give them -- allowing them time to make a mess, time to clean up, time to make mistakes and time to learn from them, time to create and time to imagine.

As the beautiful flowers are blooming outside, I am reminded once again how important it is to literally stop and smell the roses, to enjoy the incredible opportunity of an unplanned afternoon, and to make sure that my children experience the great joys in slowing down, in not feeling rushed, and in taking the time to just be.